“我只是要一小块冰而已……这要求真的很小。”
——美国总统特朗普于2026年1月21日，达沃斯世界经济论坛谈话
地点：海湖庄园・金色宴会厅
时间：凌晨1时15分
空气中弥漫著全熟牛排与昂贵发胶的混合气味。特朗普坐在红木长桌的主位，手握黑色麦克笔，在一张巨大的北极地图上不断画圈。
围坐在他身旁的是副总统万斯（神情高度专注）、国务卿卢比奥（调整一条其实已经完美无缺的领带）、财长贝森特（在餐巾纸上计算数字）、以及国防部长赫格塞斯（西装底下看起来像藏著战术防弹衣）。
特朗普（用拇指指著地图）：看看它。全是冰，但那是漂亮的冰。最好的冰。等我们把交易敲定后，我们拥有的冰可能比世界上任何国家都多。还有那些矿产——万斯，跟他们说说矿产。
万斯：总统先生，那里的战略纵深无可比拟。我们谈的是稀土元素，足以让矽谷看起来像个卖柠檬水的小摊。如果我们不拿下它，那些“觉醒派—全球主义—技术官僚”就会放任中国在北极点建一座以锂为动力的飞弹基地。我接触的所有顶级智库都告诉我，中国很快就会这么做。
特朗普（点头）：完全正确。这点我老早就看出来了，比那些在传统基金会、胡佛研究所、外交关系协会和战略与国际研究中心（这些皆为美国智库）里指手画脚的蠢蛋还早。这件事我4月访华时一定会跟习近平谈。北极不能有核武。如果他不高兴，可以去南极搞。他很聪明，你知道的，而且我说了那么多好话，他其实挺喜欢我的。（笑）
现在，卢比奥——国务院。我们要快。丹麦为什么这么难搞？那只是个小国。很可爱。我喜欢丹麦酥。但他们却一副自己是大人物的样子。
卢比奥：总统先生，技术上他们说“不出售”。不过我一直在传讯给他们的部长。我告诉他们，在新的世界秩序里，你不是美国的领土，就是美国“头号敌人”的目标。
特朗普：（脸色一沉）头号敌人。（法国总统）马克龙。你今天看到他了吗？那头发？那小西装？老爱低声细语。我都叫他“耳语者”。典型的法国佬。他想搞什么欧洲军？拿法国长棍面包打仗吗？简直是一场灾难。
还有（英国首相）斯塔默——工党。能量超低，看起来就像永远在图书馆迷路的人。现在还想对我们的通话指指点点。完全不可信。难怪英国人想把他换掉。（英国极右改革党党魁）法拉奇会是个不错的替代人选。
赫格塞斯：（前倾）斯塔默—对战斗精神构成威胁，先生。他想“降温”北极局势。北极不是用来降温的，是用来主宰的。我已经勘察了三个地点，准备设立“自由基地”，在零下环境训练下一代超级爱国者。
特朗普：我喜欢这建议。“自由基地”。非常好。但我们得谈谈（加拿大总理）卡尼。他最糟。没经过我同意就跟中国做交易。以为自己是全球主义之王。无所不在，像个幽灵。整天讲什么“气候风险”。我告诉你真正的风险是什么——当冰融化、露出所有黄金和稀土时，我们却没拥有格陵兰。贝森特，投资报酬率算到如何？
贝森特：（敲著餐巾纸）如果我们动用主权财富基金、让丹麦克朗去指数化，同时发行“格陵兰退出”债券……总统先生，格陵兰18个月内就能自给自足。尤其如果我们把南端打造成免税加密货币枢纽，称之为“冷币”（The Cold Coin）。
特朗普：“冷币”。我喜欢。很酷。很“潮”。也跟煤（coal）押韵，各位。但我们需要人民。格陵兰人。他们喜欢我，对吧？我看过一份民调——也可能是我编的，但感觉是份好民调——他们更倾向于美国。
万斯：我们已经在做了，先生。网红与媒体都就位。我们要发起一个TikTok行动：#IceIceBerry，美国成分带来震撼一击。
我们会告诉他们，在美国统治下，每个格陵兰人都能拿到一辆福特F-150，还有一个只播放《谁是接班人》和 《终极格斗冠军赛》（UFC）比赛的串流订阅。这一定能唤醒他们体内的维京血统。
特朗普：太棒了！（让美国再次伟大）帽子要做成霓虹色，雪地里才看得见。安全第一。我一向很重视安全。
卢比奥：（迟疑一下）先生，马克龙来电了。他想谈“国际法”和“日内瓦公约”里关于领土并吞的问题。自从他的人拿下乌克兰、现在又拿下印度的大型军事合约后，他就变得很跩。在印太安全联盟（AUKUS）上失利后他特别恨我们。不过他的法国飞机在（印巴冲突）对上巴基斯坦时表现得一塌糊涂。
特朗普：（挥手）告诉他我很忙。没空理法国佬。跟他说我在看一张更大的地图。告诉他，叫卡尼和斯塔默走远点，别来烦我。我们要移动边界了。新的北方。会非常巨大。你知道吗？这将是美国史上并入的最大土地。
卢比奥：先生，幕僚说阿拉斯加是170万平方公里，但格陵兰超过210万。有些估计认为，格陵兰几乎比阿拉斯加大50%。
特朗普：（兴奋）这是笔巨无霸交易，兄弟们。史上最大。会写进历史书、TikTok、脸书，各种纪录。想想看——特朗普和他的团队，完成了世界上最大的房地产交易。
赫格塞斯：老板，我会准备好旗帜。大的。耐用的聚酯纤维。全部美国制造。不是中国制造。
特朗普：最大的旗。还要多一颗星。
还有，谁去帮我拿杯健怡可乐。聊北极聊得我口渴了。在你们走之前——媒体上有一幅皇帝衣服一片片掉下来的嘲讽漫画。恶心的民主党人。他们为什么不能公平竞争？把那漫画弄掉，好吗！
（万斯、卢比奥、贝森特、赫格塞斯互看了一眼）
赫格塞斯：我会让福克斯新闻处理的，先生。
万斯：别担心，老板。我们都会搞定。
卢比奥：最后一件事，先生，有个计画要成立“特朗普外交政策卓越中心”。很多大学都在争取。我听说连牛津和剑桥都有兴趣。
特朗普：太棒了！记得把挪威人、丹麦人，还有加拿大人都排除在外。（大声）全部排除！
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林德宜《特朗普：为何美国必须拿下格陵兰——一则讽刺剧》 原文：Trump: Why US Must Take Over Greenland - Satire
“I'm asking for a piece of ice... it's a very small ask.”
US President Donald Trump speaking at World Economic Forum, Davos, 21January 2026
LOCATION: THE GOLD ROOM – MAR-A-LAGO
TIME: 01:15 AM
The air is thick with the scent of well-done steak and expensive hairspray. DONALD TRUMP sits at the head of a mahogany table, sharpie in hand, circling a large map of the Arctic.
Surrounding him are JD VANCE (looking intensely focused), MARCO RUBIO (adjusting a tie that is already perfect), SCOTT BESSENT (calculating numbers on a napkin), and PETE HEGSETH (wearing a suit that looks like it's hiding tactical body armor).
TRUMP:(Pointing a thumb at the map)
Look at it. It's a lot of ice, but it's beautiful ice. The best ice. Probably have more ice than anyone else in the world once we close the deal. And the minerals—JD, tell them about the minerals.
VANCE:Sir, the strategic depth is unparalleled. We're talking rare earth elements that make Silicon Valley look like a lemonade stand. If we don't take it, the woke-globalist-technocracy will let the Chinese build a lithium-powered missile base on the North Pole. All our foremost think tanks are telling me that China will be doing this soon.
TRUMP:(Nodding) Exactly. I saw that well before the bunch of idiots running Heritage, Hoover, CFR and CSIS. That's something I will definitely take up with Xi in April. No nukes on the North Pole. If he's not happy, he can go set it up in the south. He's a smart cookie but you know, he really likes me after all the nice things I've said about him. (chuckles)
Now, Marco—State Department. We need this fast. Why is Denmark being so difficult? It's a small country. Very cute. I like Danish pastries. But they're acting like they're the big shots.
RUBIO:Well, Mr. President, technically they say it's "not for sale." But I've been messaging their ministers. I told them that in the new world order, you're either an American territory or you're a target for "Enemy Number One."
TRUMP: (His face darkens) Enemy Number One. Macron. Did you see him today? With the hair? And the little suits? He's always whispering. I call him "The Whisperer." Typical froggie. He wants a European Army. What's he going to do? Fight with baguettes? It's a disaster.
And Starmer—Labor Party. Very low energy. He looks like a guy who's perpetually lost in a library. Now he's trying to open his big mouth on our phone conversations. Totally untrustworthy. No wonder the Brits are looking to dump him. Nigel will do nicely as a
replacement.
HEGSETH:(Leaning forward) Starmer is a threat to the warrior spirit, sir. He's trying to "de-escalate" the Arctic. You don't de-escalate the Arctic. You dominate it. I've already scouted three locations for a "Freedom Base" where we can train the next generation of Alpha-Patriots in sub-zero temperatures.
TRUMP:I love that. "Freedom Base." Very strong. But we have to talk about Carney. Mark Carney. He's the worst. Cutting a deal with China without my permission. He thinks that he's the Globalist King. He's everywhere. He's like a ghost. He talks about "climate risk." I'll tell you the risk—the risk is not owning Greenland when the ice melts and reveals all that gold and rare earths. Scott, what's the ROI?
BESSENT:(Tapping his napkin) If we leverage the sovereign wealth and de-index the Danish Krone, while simultaneously launching "Green-Exit" bonds... sir, Greenland pays for itself in eighteen months. Especially if we turn the southern tip into a tax-free crypto-hub. We can call it "The Cold Coin."
TRUMP:"The Cold Coin." I like it. Very cool. Very "in." Rhymes with coal too, gentlemen. But we need the people. The Greenlanders. They love me, right? I saw a poll—maybe I made it up, but it felt like a good poll—where they said they wanted more red hats.
VANCE:We're already on it, sir. We've got the influencers and our media ready. We're launching a TikTok campaign: #IceIceBerry where the American ingredient provides a sensational kick.
We're going to tell them that under US control, every Greenlander gets a free Ford F-150 and a subscription to a streaming service that only plays "The Apprentice" and UFC fights.That should appeal to the Viking blood in them.
TRUMP:Tremendous! Make sure the hats are neon. So you can see them against the snow. Safety first. I'm very big on safety.
RUBIO:(Hesitantly) Sir, Macron is calling. He wants to discuss "international law" and the "Geneva Convention" regarding territorial annexation. He's been very cocky since his boys got the big military contract with Ukraine, and now India. He's hated us especially after losing on AUKUS. But his French planes failed miserably against the Pakistanis.
TRUMP: (Waving a hand dismissively) Tell him I'm busy. No time for froggies. Tell him I'm looking at a bigger map. Tell him Carney and Starmer can go have a tea party in the rain and fly kites. We're moving the border. The New North. It's going to be huge. Do you know this is the biggest land area to be incorporated in the US.
RUBIO:Sir. My staff tell me that Alaska is only 1.7 million sq. kilometers but Greenland is over 2.1. Some estimates place Greenland close to 50% larger than Alaska.
TRUMP:(excitedly) This is a colossal deal, boys. Biggest in our history. This will go into the history books, TikTok, Facebook, all kinds of recording. Think about it. Trump and team engineer the largest real estate deal in the world.
HEGSETH: Wow boss. I'll get the flags ready, sir. Large ones. Heavy-duty polyester. All made in the US. Not in China.
TRUMP: The biggest flags. And now, with one additional star. And someone please get me a Diet Coke. This Arctic talk makes me thirsty.
Before you all go. There's a cartoon of the emperor walking around with the clothes peeling off. Disgusting Democrats. Why don't they play fair? Kill the cartoon, okay!
VANCE, RUBIO ,BESSENT, HEGSETH (look at each other)
HESGETH:I'll make sure Fox takes care of this, Sir.
VANCE :Not to worry boss. We'll all handle this.
RUBIO:One last thing Sir, there's a plan to set up the Donald Trump Foreign Policy Centre of Excellence. Many universities are bidding to house it. I hear even Oxford and Cambridge.
TRUMP:Tremendous! Make sure they keep the Norwegians and Danes out. And Canadians too. (loudly) Totally out.
● Heritage Foundation, Hoover Institution, Council on Foreign Relations (CFR) and Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS) are US think tanks.
本文观点，不代表《东方日报》立场。
公共政策分析学者
