林德宜：特朗普夫妇回应诺贝尔和平奖讽刺剧

场景

特朗普位于佛罗里达州海湖庄园内镀金的客厅里。特朗普怒瞪著平板，马拉尼亚啜著矿泉水，神情冷漠地望向窗外。旁边有两位挚友在侧。

特朗普：（把平板砰地拍到天鹅绒靠垫上）真是可耻！彻头彻尾的可耻。跟选举一样操纵的阴谋。诺贝尔奖那帮人都是废物。

马拉尼亚：（没转过身）又来了，特朗普？你整晚都在讲这事。

特朗普：我怎么能闭嘴，马拉尼亚？奥巴马！我比那个作弊的奥巴马强多了！他拿到过和平奖。他就站那儿，一脸呆样，什么都没做就得奖。我到处促成和平。我应该拿到两个、三个！一个因加沙，这是惊天动地、不可能的协议，还有其他五个六个，则因我在世界各地促成的和平。没有人能做到我做到的。很多领袖打电话来说我完全配得上，但他们不想被点名。

马拉尼亚：我不相信他们说词，亲爱的。他们明显是在拍马屁，想从你这里捞点好处。

挚友A（忠诚的金主）：这完全是场闹剧，真丢脸。老大，诺奖委员会在耍所谓的“觉醒政治”，就是要气你和美国人民。大家都知道。可能是民主党在背后搞鬼……他们的深层政府网络无处不在。甚至到挪威都有他们的人。

他们看到你很强，所以就必须阻止你。

挚友B（高尔夫友）：没错。就是深层政府！在挪威也有深层政府！他们大概打电话给诺贝尔奖委员会说，“不能把奖贫给特朗普，他太棒了，会把奖搞得更伟大。”

（一脸紧张的外交政策顾问——将军X——手里攥著一叠公文走进来。）

将军X：总统先生，恕我直言，我方情报显示这决定……可以说是深受我们欧洲伙伴的影响。后台有传言说泽连斯基总统扮演了意外重要的角色，提到了您在这冲突上的……呃……态度转变。

特朗普：泽连斯基？那个傀儡！我给他好几十亿！他不领情！完全没料！是我让他出名的！

将军X：我们听说他很生气，因为您没有对普京施加更大压力，也没有给他更多军事支援。

（国内政策顾问C面色沉重地走进来。）

C：长官，情况不妙。我们的社交媒体监测显示，欧盟和英国媒体正在大肆渲染这件事。他们把这称作“全球合作的胜利”和“美国优先孤立主义的挫败”。他们在庆祝这次美国遭受到的冷遇，庆祝我们的失败！还在骂您。

特朗普：（气急败坏）孤立主义？我是史上最不孤立的总统！我跟每个人都讲话！我会晤的人比谁都多！这些人有病！真有病！他们喜欢输——那就是他们的问题。至于欧盟？这个糟糕组织。我一小时就能解决他们所有问题，但他们不想要伟大。蠢蛋在那里掌权。

我从来不信任他们，也永远不会。他们都在想办法坑我、坑我们。抱歉我这么说，亲爱的。

C：当然，总统。这其实只是一个奖，但因为您，欧洲媒体把这事说得格外严重。

特朗普：正是！完全是个空洞玩意。他们颁过给奥巴马。你知道吗？他们把奖给奥巴马是为了什么？出席而已？他根本不知道自己为何会得到奖。他才当总统不久，他们就给他奖。他大概以为那是个免费奶昔的优惠券。他不配拿。我真正做了事。大事，超级大的事。

马拉尼亚：（啜水）亲爱的，你不需要那个奖。让他们拿去吧。你有你的支持者。他们支持你。

特朗普：（开始踱步）这是猎巫！诺贝尔奖的猎巫！但你说得对，亲爱的。这奖没那么重要。不重要。

（停下脚步，脸上浮现深刻的领悟）

他们留著那个一文不值的奖吧。那奖被贬值了。被奥巴马、被以前所有得主搞坏了。我给过他们改写整个和平奖历史的机会。他们把事搞砸了。大搞砸。

我要创一个我自己的奖。特朗普和平奖。会超大。我们就在迈阿密多勒尔市办。

奖项更要镀金的。只有做出巨大贡献者才能拿。要比诺贝尔更好。

将军X：（强颜欢笑）真是个天才的主意，总统先生。真有远见。

挚友A：太棒了，老大。民主党这次不能不支持了。

挚友B：相信会有很多朋友愿意掏钱参与，总统先生。有何需要，让我知道。

特朗普：当然这会大受欢迎。到时挪威人和全世界其他人会求著我收下他们那该死的奖，我就说，“抱歉，我有我自己的，更好的。”

现在，给我打电话找共和党全国委员会（RNC）主席。我们得谈谈假新闻媒体怎么报这事。这全是他们的错，真的。

马拉尼亚：（靠近，眼里闪著冷光）我还是想要你拿到诺贝尔奖，亲爱的。明年你一定要赢。但现在……政府必须展现强硬。我们应该惩罚挪威。

C：惩罚挪威？我们要怎么惩罚挪威？

马拉尼亚：（微微、冷冷一笑）我们可以对……他们的鲑鱼征收重税。那橘色的鱼。关税一百、两百，让头条都写这事。鲑鱼对孩子很有益，但挪威人不配在不尊重总统时获利。这会是一课。

特朗普：（停下踱步，眼睛一亮，打了个响指）鲑鱼！太棒了，马拉尼亚！又大又肥，又美，现在……又贵了！

我们打他们痛处。“为和平征鲑鱼关税”！真是绝妙主意。你真是天才，亲爱的。非常棒、漂亮的天才。咱们要让他们知道谁才是真正的和平奖得主！

（特朗普笑得合不拢嘴，已经拨号，两位顾问愣在一旁。）

林德宜《特朗普夫妇回应诺贝尔和平奖讽刺剧》原文：Donald and Melania Trump Respond to Nobel Peace Prize Award - Parody

Setting

A gilded sitting room in Mar-a-Lago. Donald Trump is scowling at a tablet, while Melania sips a glass of mineral water, looking impassively out of the window. 2 close friends are around

Trump: (Slams the tablet onto a velvet cushion) It’s a disgrace! A total and complete disgrace. A rigged deal, just like the election. The Nobel people are a bunch of losers.

Melania: (Without looking over) Again, Donald? You talked about this all night.

Trump: How can I be quiet, Melania? Obama ! I’m better than Cheating Bama! He got one. He just stood there and looked dumb. I made peace all over the place. I should have gotten two, three! One for Gaza, which is tremendous, the impossible accord, and another five or six I got done around the world. No one else could have achieved this. So many leaders have been calling me to say that I fully deserve it but they don't want to be named.

Melania: I don't trust them, darling. They are obviously sucking up to get something from you.

Friend A (Loyal Financier): A complete sham. Utterly disgraceful, Boss. The committee is playing woke politics to spite you and the American people. Everyone knows it. Probably, the Democrats had a hand … their deep state network, it goes everywhere. Even to Norway.

They see you are strong, so they must stop you.

Friend B (Golf Groupie): That's right. It’s the deep state! They’re in the fjords! They probably called up the Nobel committee and said, ‘You can’t give it to Trump, he’s too good, he’ll make the award great again.’

[Enter a nervous Foreign Policy Advisor, General X, clutching a folder.]

General X: Mr. President, with all due respect, our intelligence suggests the decision was...let's just say, heavily influenced by our European partners. We’re getting back room chatter that President Zelensky played a surprisingly key role, citing your... uh... shifting posture on the conflict.

Trump: Zelensky? That puppet! I gave him billions! He's an ingrate! A total lightweight! I made him famous!

General X: We hear he was really pissed off that you are not putting Putin under greater pressure. Also not providing him with more military support.

[Enter Domestic Policy Advisor, C, looking grave.]

C: Sir, the reports are bad. Our social media monitoring shows the European Union and the UK media are having an absolute field day. They are calling this a "Victory for Global Cooperation" and a "Defeat for America First Isolationism." They are celebrating the snub, Sir. Celebrating our loss! And bad mouthing you again.

Trump : (Sputtering) Isolationism? I’m the most un-isolated President ever! I talk to everyone! I’ve had more meetings than anybody! These people are sick! They’re truly sick! They love losing, that’s their problem. And the EU? A terrible organization. I could solve all their problems in an hour, but they don't want the greatness. Idiots are running the place.

Never trusted them, never will. They're all trying to screw me, screwing us. Excuse me saying this, hon.

C: Of course, Sir. It’s just an award really but the European media is making an extra big deal because of you.

Trump: Exactly! A total nothingburger. They gave it to Obama. Did you know that? They gave it to Obama for what? For showing up? He had no idea why he was even getting it. He was president for twelve minutes and they gave him the prize. He probably thought it was a coupon for a free smoothie. He didn’t deserve it. I actually did things. Big, huge things.

Melania: (Sips her water) Hon, so you do not need it. Let them have their little prize. You have your followers. They love you.

Trump: (Pacing now) It’s a witch hunt! A Nobel witch hunt! But you are right darling. It’s no big deal. It’s not a big deal.

(Stops pacing, a look of profound realization dawning on his face)

They can keep their worthless award. It’s been cheapened. By Obama, by all the previous winners. I gave them the chance to rewrite the entire peace prize history. And they screwed up. Big time.

I’m going to start my own award. The Trump Peace Prize. It’ll be yuge. We’ll have it at Doral.

Gold plating. And you only get it if you’ve made a really great deal. Much better than Nobel.

General X: (Forcing a smile) A brilliant idea, sir. Truly visionary.

Friend A: Fantastic, Boss. There's no way the Democrats cannot support this.

Friend B: There'll be many friends wanting to chip in on this in any way Sir. Just let me know.

Trump: Of course it will be a huge hit. The Norwegians and the rest of the world will be begging me to take their lousy prize, and I’ll say, ‘Sorry, I have my own, it’s much better.’

Now, get me the head of the RNC*. We need to talk about how the fake news media is covering this. It’s all their fault, really.

Melania : (Stepping closer, a cold glint in her eye) I still want you to win it, hon. Next year, you must win it. But for now... the administration must show strength. We should punish Norway.

C: Punish Norway? How do we punish Norway?

Melania : (A slight, thin smile) We can put a massive tariff on... their salmon. The orange fish. A hundred percent, two hundred to make the front page. Salmon is very good for the kids, but the Norwegians do not deserve to profit when they disrespect the President. It will be a lesson.

Trump : (Stopping his pacing, eyes widening. He snaps his fingers.) The salmon! That’s brilliant, Melania! So big, so fatty, so beautiful, and now... so EXPENSIVE!

We hit them where it hurts. A "Salmon Tariff for Peace"! That’s a tremendous idea. You’re a genius, sweetie. A tremendous, beautiful genius. We’ll show them who the real Peace Prize winner is!

[TRUMP beams, already dialling a number, leaving the two advisors standing in stunned silence.]

● RNC is the Republican National Committee