林德宜：特朗普会晤普京后，窃听特朗普与泽连斯基通话

乌克兰总统泽连斯基没有受邀参与特朗普与俄罗斯总统普京在阿拉斯加的会晤，因为这场会议是双边峰会，主要讨论俄乌战争能否达成停火与和平协议。这场会晤主要是让美俄两位领导人去决定一条迈向更广泛和平协议的道路。

乌克兰总统被排除在外，已成为基辅以及其主要盟友——欧盟与英国——的关切焦点。因为这违背了乌克兰西方支持者长期强调的原则：“涉及乌克兰的事，不得排除乌克兰”。（拜登时期常挂在嘴边的口号）

然而，特朗普坚信这次初步会议若能成功，将可能终结战争与杀戮。依据他的反对者说法，这同时也会让特朗普在历史上占据一个不应得的正面位置，甚至赢得诺贝尔和平奖。

以下的对话据称来自一名匿名“深喉咙”的爆料，意在揭示当前乌克兰局势中的幕后交易。

泽连斯基：Dobroho ranku（乌克兰语早安），阁下。

特朗普：哈啰，你能讲英文吗？

泽连斯基：早安，美国总统先生。

特朗普：这就好多了。

泽连斯基：我希望您能更新我与普京会谈的情况。我从昨天就试图联系您，但我办公室说一直被转接等待。您应知道，这是完全不可接受的。

特朗普：真的很抱歉，泽连斯基。我们的白宫电话线一直被俄罗斯人试图入侵，所以（白宫幕僚长）苏茜特别小心。她很棒，真的很棒。她还告诉我，民主党人可能也牵涉其中。我从来不信任加州州长纽瑟姆和他的那些人。你真的该庆幸有我站在你这边。你知道吗，拜登和那些民主党混蛋让你和乌克兰付出了多少条性命？

泽连斯基：我真的需要知道您和普京谈了什么。能告诉我吗？

特朗普：普京！好人，非常棒的人。我刚和他开了场最佳会议——真是个极好的家伙，握手很有力。你一定会喜欢他。你应该尽快和他碰面。

泽连斯基：……特朗普，他正在攻打我的国家。

特朗普：没错！但让我告诉你，我们谈成了几个不可思议的协议。最棒的交易。没人能像我这样谈判。普京自己都说了，他说我是他遇过最强硬的谈判者。

泽连斯基：协议？什么样的协议？

特朗普：首先，他说他可能会考虑不再进一步入侵。可能吧。取决于天气，或者什么的。但这才是重点——他愿意把……克里米亚的一部分还给你！

泽连斯基：克里米亚？你确定？

特朗普：是的，但现在这是一个“买一送两”的交易！你得到克里米亚，而作为交换，你放弃……比方说，基辅。就一小段时段。暂时的！就像分时度假模式。超棒的协议。

泽连斯基：……你要我交出首都？

特朗普：不是“交出”，泽连斯基。你思维太小了。这叫杠杆。你让他拥有基辅，譬如说，十年——美好的十年，顺便说一句——作为回报，他会给你一些石油和天然气的折扣。我们还能再讨好他，把我们稀土协议的一部分分给他。价值惊人。这将撼动世界秩序，年轻人。

泽连斯基：特朗普，抱歉。我觉得你可能……怎么说呢……被谈判掉了。

特朗普：不可能！我写过一本《交易的艺术》。普京还在车上拿给我看有关协议，甚至签下了名。普京指这份协议，是用鲜血签订的。

泽连斯基：……那是他的血吗？

特朗普：很可能！你知道的，普京身体很健康，血液很强壮。不喝酒、不抽烟——不像某些人。我不说名字，但你的支持率还可以更高。

泽连斯基：特朗普，我正身处战争之中。

特朗普：没错！战争是很花钱。对经济很糟。只对北约有利。我知道他们会非常火大。别理他们。他们只想打到只剩最后一个乌克兰人。虚伪的混蛋。现在，普京提出了一个和平协议——顺便说，是我构思的——你大概能保留乌克兰的60%国土？55%？我们还能微调这个数字。

泽连斯基：这是我的国家。

特朗普：而且真是个好国家！边界很美。或者说，本来很美。现在更……灵活。像个“瑜伽教练”。非常现代。

泽连斯基：我想我需要打给拜登，或者奥巴马。

特朗普：无精力的拜登？拜托。他根本不懂得分辨什么是好交易。我告诉你，普京的交易很棒。最棒的。他甚至献议再到莫斯科盖一栋特朗普大楼——等等，把这句忘掉。

泽连斯基：我要挂电话了。

特朗普：没有人能在我说结束之前挂掉我的电话。听著，小子。我会给你一个更好的协议。你先去找你的挪威朋友——他叫什么名字——告诉他我应该拿到和平奖。

泽连斯基：（挪威财长）史托尔滕贝格。

特朗普：好吧！等你准备好做真正的交易时，你知道该找谁。

泽连斯基：好的。我会的。能不能让我们成为联合获奖者？而且你的名字会排在我前面，特朗普。希望这样可以吧。

特朗普：我会考虑。你现在可以下线了。

通话结束

尾声：稍后，特朗普发推文：“刚与泽连斯基进行了一次非常有成效的通话。他喜爱我的点子。乌克兰将再次伟大——甚至可能更大！（或者更小，我们再看。）”。

再稍后另一则特朗普推文：“我刚拯救了乌克兰！泽连斯基称我为天才（是真的！）。诺贝尔委员会，不用谢。或许我会拿到两个奖！”

林德宜《特朗普会晤普京后，窃听特朗普与泽连斯基通话》的原文：Hacked Trump Zelensky phone call following Trump's Meeting With Putin

Introduction

Volodymyr Zelensky was not invited to the meeting between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin in Alaska because the meeting was a bilateral summit to discuss a potential ceasefire and peace settlement in Ukraine. The purpose of the meeting was for the two leaders to gauge and determine a path to a broader peace agreement.

The exclusion of Ukraine's president has been a point of concern for Kyiv and its principally European Union and British allies, as it goes against the principle of "nothing about Ukraine without Ukraine”* mantra long enunciated by Ukraine’s Western supporters.

However, Donald Trump has been confident that a successful outcome of this initial meeting could lead to the end of the war and the killing. According to his opponents, it would also provide him with an undeserved positive place in the history books and the Nobel peace prize.

This reported exchange comes from an anonymous deep throat to bring to public attention the horse trading now taking place in Ukraine.

Zelensky: Dobroho ranku** Sir.

Trump: Hello, can you please speak English?

Zelensky: Good morning, Mr. President Sir.

Trump: That’s much better.

Zelensky: I was hoping you can update me on your meeting with Putin. I have been trying to get through since yesterday. My staff say that I have been put on hold continuously. You know, that’s not acceptable.

Trump: So sorry about that, Volod. We have had the Russians trying to break into the White House lines so Susie*** is being extra careful. Great gal, Susie. She tells me that the Democrats might also be involved. I don’t trust Newsom**** and his boys. You really are lucky to have me on your side, you know. How many Ukrainian lives has Biden and the Democrat ba…..ds cost you and your country?

Zelensky: I really need to know what you and Putin decided on. Can you please tell me what happened?

Trump: Putin! Great guy, tremendous guy. Just had the best meeting with him - fantastic guy, by the way, very strong handshake. You’d love him. You know you should meet him ASAP.

Zelensky:…Donald, you just met with the man who’s invading my country.

Trump: Exactly! But let me tell you, we worked out some incredible deals. The best deals. Nobody deals like me. Putin said so himself. Said I'm the toughest negotiator he's had to deal with.

Zelensky: Deals? What kind of deals?

Trump: Well, first off, he said he’d think about maybe not invading more. Maybe. Depends on the weather, or something. But here’s the big one—he’s willing to give you… parts of Crimea back!

Zelensky: Crimea? Are you sure?

Trump: Yes, but now it’s a two-for-one deal! You get Crimea, and in exchange, you give up… let’s say, Kyiv. Just for a little while. Temporary! Like a timeshare. Beautiful deal.

Zelensky:…You want me to give up my capital?

Trump: Not give up, Volodymyr. You’re thinking small. This is leverage. You let him have Kyiv for, say, ten years - beautiful ten years, by the way - and in return, he throws in some oil and gas discounts. And we can make him more happy by cutting him a share on our rare earths deal. Tremendous value. This will shake the world order, young man.

Zelensky: Donald, excuse me. I think you might have been… how do I say this…out-negotiated.

Trump: Impossible! I wrote “The Art of the Deal”. Putin showed it to me in the car and even signed the copy. In blood, he said. Very strong ink, by the way.

Zelensky:…Was it his blood?

Trump: Could be! Very strong blood. Healthy guy. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke—unlike some people. Not naming names, but your approval ratings could be higher.

Zelensky: Donald, I’m in the middle of a war.

Trump: Exactly! And wars are expensive. Bad for the economy. Only good for NATO*****. I know they will be really pissed off. Forget about them. They want to fight to the last Ukrainian. Bloody hypocrites. Now, Putin’s offering a peace deal - which, by the way, I came up with - where you keep, say, 60% of Ukraine? 55%? We can workshop the numbers.

Zelensky: This is my country.

Trump: And what a country! Beautiful borders. Or, well, they were beautiful. Now they’re more… flexible. Like a yoga instructor. Very modern.

Zelensky: I think I need to call Biden, or Obama.

Trump: Sleepy Joe? Come on. Please. He wouldn’t know a good deal if it bit him. And let me tell you, Putin’s got great deals. The best. He even offered to build a Trump Tower in Moscow again - wait, forget I said that.

Zelensky: I'm hanging up now.

Trump: No one goes away until I tell them. Listen kid. I'll get you a better deal. You get to your Norwegian friend first - what's his name - and tell him I deserve the peace prize.

Zelensky: Jens. Stoltenburg******.

Trump: Fine! And when you’re ready to make real deals, you know who to call.

Zelensky: Okay. I will do it. Can we have them make us joint winners? And your name will appear ahead of mine, Donald. Please. Hope this is OK with you.

Trump: I'll think about it. You can go now.

[Call ends]

Epilogue: Later, Trump tweets: "Just had a VERY productive call with Zelensky. He LOVED my ideas. Ukraine will be GREAT again - maybe even bigger! (Or smaller. We’ll see.)”.

Still later from another Trump tweet
“ Just SAVED Ukraine! Zelensky called me a GENIUS (true!). Nobel Committee, you’re welcome. Maybe I’ll get TWO prizes!”

—------------
*Biden era mantra
**Ukrainian for ‘good morning’
***Susie Wiles, White House Chief of Staff
****Gavin Newsom, Governor of California
*****North Atlantic Treaty Organisation
******Jens Stolenburg, Norwegian Finance Mini