林德宜：戏仿特朗普、卢比奥和贝森特谈东盟关税

以下为戏仿美国总统特朗普、国务卿卢比奥和财政部长贝森特电话对谈的节选。

卢比奥：早安，先生。早安，老板。

特朗普：早安。卢比奥！什么事这么急？为什么还要叫上贝森特？我正在打高尔夫球，所以快点。

贝森特：早安总统先生。希望你玩得开心。

特朗普：很好。我还需要再推几杆，才能进洞。

卢比奥：我相信你能做到。你看，我刚从ASEAN（东盟）回来。

特朗普：ASSIN。那是什么？那是哪里？

贝森特：东南亚，先生。

卢比奥：你知道，吉隆坡、雅加达、曼谷、马尼拉、新加坡。

特朗普：当然，我了解我的地理。都是些糟糕的国家。糟糕透了。

贝森特：总统先生，它们是我们最大的市场之一。

卢比奥：是的，这次东南亚之行很艰难，但我已经争取到他们邀请您去参加东盟和东亚峰会。老大，我深感荣幸。这是史无前例，会成为头条新闻，影响数亿人。实际上是数十亿！

特朗普：先别急。英国首相斯塔默、澳洲总理阿尔巴尼斯和印度总理莫迪都希望我能尽快造访他们。这对我、对我们有什么好处？

贝森特：先生，我认为这可以成为一次策略性访问。关键点在于，您在东亚手握著关税武器。

特朗普：关税武器！好词儿！！我喜欢这个词。拜托谁告诉（福斯新闻主播）玛丽亚，在节目上多提关税这个词。你看到我生日那一天（6月14日，美国阅兵仪式）游行上的火箭和飞弹了吗？人群沸腾了。

卢比奥：非常令人印象深刻的游行，尤其是你派给泽连斯基的爱国者导弹。老大，这必将载入史册。先生，这将是一次很棒的访问。你会玩得很开心，我们还可以打几场高尔夫球，当地的皇室成员也会排成一列来接待您。

特朗普：皇室！听起来不错。但告诉他们不要叫我爸爸，我不喜欢。这让我觉得自己老了。

贝森特：叔叔呢？特朗普叔叔和山姆大叔很搭。你知道，这是一种尊重和历史。

特朗普：嘿，我喜欢这个叫法。我的很多孩子都叫我叔叔。如果能再多几百万就太好了。

哄堂大笑

卢比奥：老大，我们一定能安排好。同时，我手下传来消息，如果五角大厦能加快潜艇建造速度，澳洲总理阿尔巴尼斯会推动把“澳英美三方安全伙伴关系”下其中一艘新潜艇以你的名字命名。这样你也能在太平洋联合行动上扬旗了。

特朗普：特朗普号，特朗普号。我喜欢。这能和我们著名的潜艇比肩，对吧？鹦鹉螺号、华盛顿号。至于其他，现在想不起来了。不过特朗普号是个好主意，卢比奥。你尽快去完成吧。

顺便说一句，关于澳洲的事让我想起了混蛋的现任澳洲驻美国大使陆克文。他得尽快走人。

澳洲前总理莫里森过去一直在抱怨他在“澳英美三方安全伙伴关系”和潜艇项目上没有得到足够的报酬。他可以取代陆克文。

卢比奥：很棒的提议。莫里森人很好，而陆克文简直是灾难。我们在鸡尾酒会和其他聚会都放风说他不受欢迎。看来他脸皮厚，听不进去。不过，澳洲人尼克亚当斯的任命（美国驻马来西亚大使）做得真棒。

特朗普：是啊。尼克亚当斯就是我喜欢的类型。人不错。他一直把他写关于我的文章发给我。你我都知道，澳洲人一定会喜欢这次任命。一箭三雕──这就是我的交易艺术。

卢比奥：太棒了。老板，这次访问您还有什么其他要求？

贝森特：总统先生，美国企业在东南亚会有很多商机。也许埃里克（特朗普次子）应该一起去。中国人正在把部分房地产资金转移到东南亚，而且显然那里的价格被低估了。

卢比奥：先生，我们在美国和东南亚的关系网可以确保埃里克的行程物有所值。

特朗普：好的，但我尽量不去涉及埃里克的事情。不要像拜登参与其儿子亨特那么多肮脏的交易。老兄，拜登过去是——现在也是——最狡猾的人；《华盛顿邮报》和《纽约时报》还在编造关于他的好故事。真是媒体混蛋……

卢比奥：对我们的外交政策来说，拜登简直是一场灾难。

贝森特：没错。我听说他被提名诺贝尔奖了，卢比奥。我们能做些什么吗？

特朗普：老兄，这可真让人难受。那个笨蛋让我们的——我的——外交政策变得非常棘手。他和那个叫什么名字的愚蠢国务卿布林肯把事情搞砸了，尤其是在乌克兰和加沙课题上。

卢比奥：老大，你知道──普京、习近平、（以色列总理）内塔尼亚胡、莫迪──他们每个人都比以往任何时候都更尊重你和美国。我相信我们的亚洲盟友和朋友可以和挪威奖项委员会一起大力推动您获得诺贝尔奖。

特朗普：确保这件事顺利进行。我一直听说有些愚蠢的家伙和团体在反对我。看看我们怎么才能让他们站到我们这边来。

贝森特：我也听到了这种说法。欧洲人对我们的关税政策一点也不满意，正想办法打击我们。

特朗普：忘恩负义的混蛋。我们帮他们撑腰这么久，他们还是不愿意承认。贝森特，我们需要在关税问题上狠狠地打击他们，提醒他们不要在诺贝尔奖或其他任何场合耍阴谋诡计。

还有卢比奥，一定要把这个消息传达给他们所有高层。如果他们把诺贝尔奖颁给拜登，那他们就得付出惨痛代价。拜登应该去养老院，可怜的家伙……

贝森特：跟卢比奥一样，我认为我们可以用关税手段让东南亚站在我们这边。在颁奖典礼之前。这虽有点难度，但我们正在努力中。

卢比奥：贝森特，问题是我们的媒体一直在用“90天达成90笔交易”这种说法轰炸我们。

贝森特：我从来没这么说过，卢比奥。你知道的，你那些一直攻击我的人也知道。我们的主要问题在于我们的盟友，加拿大、欧盟、墨西哥、日本、韩国、台湾，现在还有巴西。总统先生，我们需要更多时间。他们都在等别人先他们跪下。这在时间上是个大问题。

特朗普：好的。只要提醒他们我说过，“如果他们再等下去，他们会吃亏更多”。没错。他们应该知道天下没有白吃的午餐。如果他们现在想让我们保护他们，就需要付出更多。更多，因为我掌控著局面。

我受够了他们从我们身上赚了大钱，却只给微薄回馈。美国不再做圣诞老人了！还有，贝森特，一定要警告日本、韩国和台湾，我希望他们在这里开工厂的进度更快。在亚洲，我也处于优势。

你看，我刚刚推杆失误了。还有什么事吗？

卢比奥：抱歉，老板。我会把讯息传达出去的。谢谢，现在就让美国再次伟大！

贝森特：我也是一样。祝你好运。

特朗普：哦。卢比奥，确保第一夫人马拉尼亚在接下来的旅行中得到很好的照顾。

林德宜《戏仿特朗普、卢比奥和贝森特谈东盟关税》原文：Trump, Rubio and Bessent on ASEAN Tariff Bazooka

A fictional pick-up of a recent recorded exchange between US Secretary of State Marco Rubio, President Donald Trump and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent.

Rubio: Morning Sir. Morning Boss.

Trump: Yeah. Am here, Ruby!

What's this that's so urgent? And why do you want Scottie too. I'm in the middle of a game so hurry up.

Bessent: Hello Sir. Hope you are having a good game.

Trump: Going great. I need a few more putts to drop. 

Rubio: I'm sure you can do it. You see, I've just got back from ASEAN.

Trump: ASSIN. What's that? Where's that?

Bessent: South East Asia, Sir.

Rubio: You know, Kuala Lumpur, Jakarta, Bangkok, Manila, Singapore.

Trump: Of course, I know my geography. All horrible countries. Horrible.

Bessent: They are some of our biggest markets, Sir.

Rubio: Yes, had a difficult visit there but I've wrangled for them to invite you to a visit there for the ASEAN and East Asia summits. Big honour Boss. It's unprecedented and will make the headlines reaching hundreds of millions. Billions actually!

Trump: Not so fast Ruby. Stammer, Albo and Modi all want me to visit their capitals ASAP. What's in it for me, for us?

Bessent: I think this can be a strategic visit, Sir. The word there is that you have your tariff bazooka on them in East Asia.

Trump: Bazooka! Beautiful word!! I love it. Someone please tell Maria to use it in Fox on tariffs. Did you see the bazookas and missiles at my birthday parade? The crowds went wild. 

Rubio: Very impressive parade, especially the Patriots you are sending to Zelensky. Boss. One for the history books.

It will be a great visit Sir. You will have a grand time and, and we can have a couple of golf games and the region's royalty lined up.

Trump: Royalty! Sounds good. But tell them not to call me Daddy. Or Papa. I don't like it. Makes me feel old.

Bessent: How about Uncle? Uncle Trump goes well with Uncle Sam. You know, respect and history and all that.

Trump: Hey, I like that. Lots of my kids call me Uncle. It will be wonderful to have a few million more.

Loud guffaw

Rubio: Very sure we can arrange for that, Boss.

Meanwhile, word from my staff is that Albo will push for one of the new AUKUS submarines to be named after you if the Pentagon can hurry the subs. So yours can be a combined outing to fly the flag in the Pacific too.

Trump: USS Trump, USS Trump. Love it. That can take its place alongside our famous subs right? Nautilus, George Washington. Can’t remember anymore now. But USS Trump is a great idea, Ruby. You get it done ASAP.

BTW, that about Australia reminds me of the creep here, Rudd. He needs to go ASAP.

Morrison has been complaining that he hasn't gotten enough for his work on AUKUS and the subs. He can replace Rudd.

Rubio: Excellent proposal. Morrison is a great guy but Rudd is a disaster. We have been dropping word in our cocktail and other parties that he's not welcome. Seems to have a thick skin and tin ear. Great job though on that Aussie Nick Adams appointment.

Trump: Yeah. Nick is my type. Good guy. Been sending what he has been writing about me for a long time You know and I know the Aussies will absolutely love the appointment. Kills 3 birds with one stone - that's the art of my deal.

Rubio: Brilliant. What else do you want for the visit, Boss?

Bessent: There's going to be lots of opportunities for American business, Sir. Perhaps Eric should go along. The Chinese are moving part of their real estate money to Southeast Asia and apparently the region is underpriced.

Rubio: Our American and Southeast Asian network can make sure Eric's trip will be worth his time, Sir.

Trump: Okay but I try to stay out of what Eric is involved with. Unlike Joe whose Hunter had his fingers in so many dirty dealings. Man, Joe was - is - the crookedest guy around; and Post and Times are still cooking up nice stories about him. Real media b…..ds.

Rubio: He was an absolute disaster for our foreign policy Boss.

Bessent: Exactly. I hear that he's being nominated for the Nobel prize Marco. Can we do something about it?

Trump: Man, that is going to hurt. That bumbling idiot made our - my - foreign policy so much more difficult. He and what's his name dumb Secretary Blink Blockhead totally screwed up, especially in Ukraine and Gaza.

Rubio: You know Boss - Putin, Xi, Nethanyahu, Modi - everyone of them respects you and the U.S. more than ever.

I'm sure our Asian allies and friends can do a big push for you for the Prize with the Norwegian award committee.

Trump: Make sure that happens okay. I've been hearing that there's some stupid guys, groups against me. See how we can get them to our side.

Bessent: I've been hearing that too, Sir. The Europeans are not happy at all with our tariff reciprocity and are finding all kinds of ways to hurt you.

Trump: Ungrateful SOBs. We have been covering their backs for so long. They still don't want to acknowledge that. We need to screw them harder on the tariffs Scottie and remind them not to play dirty on the Nobel prize or in any other way.

And Ruby, make sure this gets through to all their top guys. There'll be hell to pay especially if they give the Nobel to Joe. He should be in an old folks home, poor b…..d.

Bessent: Just like Rubio, I think we can get Southeast Asia on our side with tariffs. Before the prize award date, Sir. Difficult but we are working round the clock.

Rubio: Scottie, the problem is that our media keeps hitting us with the line, 90 deals in 90 days.

Bessent: I never said that, Marco. You know that so also your boys who keep hitting me. Our main problem is with our allies, Canada, EU Mexico, Japan, South Korea, Taiwan and now Brazil. We need more time Sir. They are all waiting for others to bend their knees ahead of them. That's a big problem in timing.

Trump: Okay. Just remind them that I said, “They will be screwed even more if they wait longer”. S..t. They should know that there's no free lunch. If they want us to protect them now, they need to pay more. Much more. I have all the cards.

I've had it with them making tons of money from us and paying a pittance. No more Father Christmas Uncle Sam! And Scottie, make sure to warn Japan, Korea and Taiwan that I want them to make quicker progress opening up factories here. I have all the cards in Asia too.

Look, I've just missed a putt. Anything else?

Rubio: Sorry Boss. Will get the messages across. Thanks and that's all for now in making America great again!

Bessent: Same here. Have a good one.

Trump: Oh. Make sure that Melania is well taken care of for the coming trip, Ruby.