林德宜：再逐诺贝尔和平奖政治寓言

在华盛顿一家高级牛排馆外坑洞中捡到的一个严重磨损USB随身碟，似乎揭露了美国政府高层幕后一场手忙脚乱的行动：替总统特朗普争取终极认证——诺贝尔和平奖。

幕僚A：各位，老板刚问了，他替挪威带来数十亿美元新增石油收入后，现在拿诺贝尔奖的机会如何？特朗普给挪威带来的石油暴利，竟完全被那些“觉醒派媒体”无视。

新闻秘书：我也正想到，是时候再次跟进了。上次我们动作太慢、太迟，本来可以做得更多。

内阁高级幕僚：拜托，别再翻旧帐、互相指责了。

国安顾问：不，我们得谈。老板真的气炸了，一直咒骂评审委员会。我连续几天都被他骂得狗血淋头。

幕僚A：是啊，他非常想拿这奖。奖项十月初就公布，我们没多少时间操作。

国安顾问：我认为，只要能让（俄罗斯总统）普京和（乌克兰总统）泽连斯基签署和平协议，欧洲那边的反对声音就会消失。

新闻秘书：没错，那会是巨大加分。但我们也得让伊朗点头配合。

内阁高级幕僚：依老板给我的讯号，我认为伊朗问题很快就能搞定。

国安顾问：当然。挪威人和全世界都应该明白，我们的行动阻止了那些“毛拉”发动核浩劫。我们在没有欧洲盟友协助下，摧毁了所有敌方资产。

幕僚A：这套说法，我和中东那帮人已经操作三个月了。不是容易工作。但看看海湾国家仍站在我们这边，就知道效果不错。不过，我们还需要欧洲团队施压，确保挪威人在评估时把这点列为核心。

新闻秘书：好吧。但我得提醒，你们轰炸女子学校的事，肯定会被翻出来。

幕僚A：是啊，我连向自己孩子解释都困难。我真希望（国防部长，前电视主持人）皮特赫格塞斯闭嘴。他简直是颗不定时炸弹。抱歉各位！

国安顾问：同意。他以为自己还在福斯新闻台。有些人真该提醒他，专注自己的地盘和最擅长的事——反觉醒军事文化。

新闻秘书：还有特朗普精神顾问的电视福音传教士怀特-凯恩。我听说他觉得自己有机会成为下一任副总统，甚至更高。

幕僚A：老天保佑别发生！

内阁高级幕僚：好了各位，别再嘴炮了。我们需要的是行动方案。

国安顾问：听著，我们已掌握所有评委资料，包括基本背景、财务状况、弱点、意识形态立场、过去对总统的评价等等。

新闻秘书（笑）：别忘了男女朋友。

幕僚A：给予家属利诱，一向是极成功策略。

新闻秘书：不如让（美国财政部长）贝森特放话，说我们打算免关税下进口数百万桶挪威鲑鱼。

众人大笑。

幕僚A：嘿，或者承诺把某座国家公园改名为维京英雄名字。

更多笑声。

国安顾问：没错，我们绝对需要掌握更多筹码。我记得不久前那个卡塔琳娜（Katarina Frostenson瑞典著名诗人兼瑞典学院前院士）——忘了她全名——还有她丈夫阿尔诺的案子，都是瑞典学院委员。

内阁高级幕僚：那是什么事？

新闻秘书：那可是轰动丑闻。Me Too性侵与强暴指控，还发生在学院内。欧洲媒体当时还试图压下新闻。

幕僚A：对，我也想起来了。当时还有贪污与内线交易传闻，各种利益交换。我记得那年的文学奖甚至取消颁发。

内阁高级幕僚：说真的，比我们的爱泼斯坦案还糟。但我们媒体整天只想搞死特朗普。所以他才需要这奖，好让自己在十一月前站稳阵脚。

新闻秘书：我们已尽力了，但有时实在太疯狂了。希望我们高层别被抓到在白宫乱搞，否则那会是毁灭性新闻。

内阁高级幕僚：好，现在的行动方案如下：

国安顾问——尽快把可能投票结果交给我们，并找出内外部关键影响人物。

新闻秘书——替特朗普的和平工作预热挪威与欧洲媒体。他们军队需要我们装备，我们可以交易。记住，要由他们媒体发声，不是我们的。

幕僚A——向智库与其他意见领袖放话，塑造特朗普正在让世界更和平、更安全的形象，反驳《纽约时报》的叙事。

一星期后回来报告。

新闻秘书：我很喜欢我们现在做的事。我们是一石二鸟，甚至更多。老板支持率下滑，党内需要他不惜一切在十一月前拿下和平奖。

幕僚A：没错。同时我也在想，如何从北京之行再加分。我有个点子。习近平说，他和老板是全球和平与安全的关键人物。我们能否利用这点，塑造奖项叙事与提名流程？“两极委员会下的三极和平”？

内阁高级幕僚：这主意不错。我去研究一下。特朗普和习近平很快又要见面，这肯定能再次成为头条——特朗普作为全球和平领袖。我敢肯定，他一定爱死这个说法。

林德宜《再逐诺贝尔和平奖政治寓言》原文：Trying Again For The Nobel Peace Prize 

WASHINGTON — A heavily smudged USB drive recovered from a pothole outside a high-end D.C. steakhouse appears to detail a frantic, behind-the-scenes effort by senior administration officials to secure the ultimate validation for President Donald Trump

Staffer A: So guys, Boss has asked how he's doing for the Nobel prize now that he's given the Norwegians billions in new oil revenue? That Trump oil windfall for Norway has been totally ignored by the woke media.

Press Secretary:I was thinking to myself that it's time to follow up again. Last time I remember we left it too little too late. Could and should have done more.

Cabinet Senior Staff: Come on. No point in going over the past and pointing fingers.

National Security Advisor: We need to. I'll tell you. Boss was really pissed off. Kept cursing the committee. I got more than an earful for several days.

SA: Yeah. He wants this badly. Prize announcement comes up in early October. Doesn't give us much time to work on this.

NSA: I think if he gets Putin and Zelensky to sign a peace accord, the European opposition will disappear.

PS: Yeah. That's going to be a huge factor. But we also need the Iranians to come on board. 

CSA: I think we should be done on Iran pretty soon from what Boss has indicated to me.

NSA: Definitely. The Norwegians and the rest of the world should realize that our Ops have stopped the Mullahs from starting a nuclear holocaust. We have taken down all enemy assets without any help from our European allies.

SA: I have been working on this line with my boys in the Middle East for the past three months, you know. Not an easy job. Quite successful if you see how the Gulf countries are still with us. But we need the Euro team here to make sure the Norwegians put that issue right up front in their review.

PS: Okay. But I can tell you. Our bombing of the girls school is definitely going to come up.

SA: Yeah. I find it hard even to explain to my kids. I wish Macho Man Pete will shut up. He's such a loose cannon. Sorry everyone!

NSA: Agree. He still thinks he's on Fox unfortunately. Some of us need to tell him to concentrate on his assets and what he does best - woke military culture

PS: And the Bible. I hear he thinks he has a shot as the next veep. Or more!

SA: Gawd forbid! 

CSA: Come on guys. No trash talking. Let’s have a plan of action. 

NSA: Look. We have the files on all in the committee. Vital statistics. Financial standing, areas of vulnerability, ideological standing, past record on our Prez, etc.

PS: (Laughing) Don't forget - girlfriends and boyfriends. 

SA:  How big a carrot can we dangle through family members has always been a very successful strategy.

PS: Let's get Scottie to say that we're intending to buy millions of barrels of Norwegian salmon with no tariffs.

Chuckles all round.

SA: Hey, what about promising to rename a national park after a Viking hero.

More chuckles.

NSA: Yup. Definitely need pursuit to get leverage. I remember the case of Katarina - forget her name, Academy committee member and her husband Arnault not so long ago.

CSA: What was that about?

PS: That was a big scandal that made headlines. Me too allegations of sexual abuse and rape taking place on Academy properties. Euro papers tried to cover up.

SA: Okay, I remember now too. There was talk about corruption and insider trading. Deals being made. I think the particular award in literature was cancelled for that year.

CSA: Definitely worse than our Epstein case really.  But our media is all screwed up with trying to kill Trump. That's why he needs the prize to be in better shape for November.

PS: We are trying our best but sometimes it gets too wild here. Hope none of our leading guys are caught monkeying around in the White House grounds. That would be a killer story.

CSA: Alright. Here's the action plan for now. 

NSA- Send potential voting outcomes to us asap and identify key people influencing it. Inside and outside the Comm.

PS - Prep Norwegian and European media on Trump's peace work. Their military needs our equipment. We can make a deal. Make sure this is covered by their media boys, not ours. 

SA - Work on the think tanks and other influencers to message how Trump is making the world peaceful and safe, contrary to what NYT is saying.

Get back to me in a week.

PS: I really like what we are doing. You know,  we are killing two birds. Maybe more. Boss ratings have been down and the party will need him to win the Prize, one way or another ahead of November. 

SA: Yup. Meanwhile I have been busy thinking of how we can score more points from the Beijing visit. Here's one idea. Xi stated that Boss and he are key in global peace and security. Can we use this to shape the award narrative and nomination process? A Tripolar Peace for A Bipolar Committee?

CSA: Good one. Let me check this out. Donald and Xi are meeting again soon and this can be headlines all over again. Trump as the Global Peace Leader. Am sure he'll love this.

本文观点，不代表《东方日报》立场。